Greetings from sunny old England to all you lucky bastards in hotter countries and Happy Christmas and New Year etc etc etc.

It's been about a month since my last postcard and boy have dramatic things been happening. I've been doing intensive sunbathing with professional tanning lotion, dramatic hair restyling, dodgy massages in Hong Kong and experiencing a bigger temperature drop than the ice age.

So I finally left Oz where I managed a truly stunning 6 routes in my 3 months and I'm very proud to say none were harder than 7b+. I even have photographic evidence of me climbing on natural gear even though I didn't place it. Wonders will never cease to amaze me. This is Kachoong, the most famous climb at Mt Arrapiles and possible the topic of an internet video sometime in the late future.

Me and some of the guys (Nathan, Mons, Stefan) have been doing our best to downgrade the problems of Mount Stapylton with limited success. Unfortunately we were more concerned with a post breakfast / post-climbing tan session using our favorite professional tanning oil that offers "no UV protection". Maybe our fingers were just too greasy, or taking up posing could be a less energetic way to spend our time.

That's enough flesh for a while but asides from that the bouldering in the Grampians is mega. There mightn't be much of it and it may be spread about but the problems really are world class. Get yourselves out here, top up the tan and crank in the horizontal. You may even be able to check out my excellent guide to the Grampians on www.cragx.com in the near future.

And before I new it, it was time to hit Hong Kong for 4 days. Suffering a massive 15 degree Celsius drop in one day was just about survivable although the thought of returning to UK was not warming. Tagged along with a few Norwegians (Thomas Nils and Katherine) whom I managed to squeeze into a tiny 3 bedroom flat with toilet that was a Hong Kong tastic 3m * 2m.The following 4 days were to be filled with a shopping frenzied 10km a day trek leaving my poor old pins and heels more tired than a 1 legged octogenarian trying to run the London marathon. Fortunately a strictly legitimate massage was at hand to sort out my aching body. In walks a 50 year old lady weighing 50kg who promptly asks me "do you mind if I walk on you". A strange request but I say yes in my tired haze only to be covered in towels and then walked on for 1 hour by a lady who feels heavier than Arnold Swazzenegger and at least twice his strength. Never have I been subject to so much pain for such a long period of time and had to pay for it. If you're ever in Hong Kong then check out the Paradise Health Club at 414 Lockheart street, but take a couple of pain killers a few hours before you arrive.

Then it's shopping shopping and a bit more shopping for those elusive Christmas presents making this the only time in history when I'd bought all my presents before Christmas eve. Wonders will never cease to amaze me. Leave my laptop computer in the taxi which speeds off leaving me feeling very unhappy, but thanks to the excellent Mandy at customer service it was soon back in my possession. Eternal thanks if you're reading.

Decide I've had enough of my present hairstyle so opt for something a little more risqué. Hope you like it. Check out some of the amazing skyscrapers and take a turbo lift to the 79th floor of the Hang Seng bank which has a pretty spectacular view of Hong Kong at night. Even get a bit arty taking photos in the polished stainless steel lift which incidentally goes 79 floors up or down at least twice the speed of the 15 floors to our flat with 3 or 4 popping of the ears.

Then it's a 14 HOUR FLIGHT BACK TO THE UK COMPLETE WITH 3 FREE SEATS FOR ME TO SLEEP ON, THE X-Men movie and a few tasty meals before touching down in London to a bone shatteringly cold 2 degrees. Fortunately the air stewardesses are competent at CPR so my heart and lungs are started up again promptly and politely. 35 degree drop in temp in 5 days. Man I can see why people hate the UK. But at least it's going to be sticky on the grit.

Must go I’ve got some pressies to open

HAPPY NEW YEAR